A prayer for baby Andre

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Andre 11.30.12

God our Creator,
thank you for the waiting and the joy,
thank you for new life and for parenthood,
thank you for the gift of Andre, entrusted to our care.
 
May we be patient and understanding,
ready to guide and forgive,
that in our love Andre may know your love.
 
May he grow into a man of virtue
embodying the justice and peace of your Son.
 
May he learn to love your world
and the whole family of your children;
through Christ our life.
Amen.
 
(adapted from A New Zealand Prayer Book)

Grief journal (2 years)

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“There’s a hole in the world now. In the place where he was, there’s now just nothing. A center like no other, of memory and hope and knowledge and affection which once inhabited this earth is gone. Only a gap remains.”

–Nicholas Wolterstorff, Lament for a Son

It’s been two years since we said a short goodbye to Vincent and a long hello to grief. Two years have passed since I reluctantly wrote these words, then struggled to stand up and speak more reluctant words at his funeral.

Much around us has changed in two years, but it’s mostly the same stuff on the inside. No new revelations. No writing in the sky. As was the case two years ago, I still miss Vincent and wish he were still alive—with us. Period.

I took this photo at the cemetery this morning. You can see what I saw: some flowers, a bronze marker and a little blue pinwheel spinning in the rainy trade winds. His name might be there, but I assure you Vincent is not. There is no 3-year-old chasing after birds or tramping mud into the car. No requests for piggy-back rides or other bedtime delays. Only a gap remains.

So I’m not a huge fan of November 20th, the day that devastated our family. It’s a day that annually seems to call for succinct explanations of lessons learned or sturdy assurances of comfort found. But even as the brightest fresh flowers can never sparkle like Vincent’s eyes, the most eloquent words of Wolterstorff, Sittser, Lewis or Dickinson are no match for the silence of his absence.

It’s especially loud today.

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